Annabel’s Blog

I am 30 years (and 2 days old) and feel utterly clueless, I really thought I was supposed to have a notion of how to manage my life by now.

In my more philosophical moments I understand that life is about the journey and not the destination, but most of the time I feel like I’m miles behind everyone else in a race I didn’t mean to enter. On a unicycle. Blindfolded.

Feed yourself (but not too much!). Don’t live in squalor. Brush your teeth. Stay hydrated. Don’t cry in public.

These things are hard enough to maintain during normal service. Now though, there are no appointments, there’s no work, no commitments. There’s nothing to get up for. There’s nothing to stop me lying in bed with unwashed hair and a sharesize bar of dairymilk. No one to see my shame if I wake up with orange fingertips from falling asleep with my hand in a bag of wotsits. The only poor soul that has to smell my morning death breath is me. Not that there’s usually anyone else to smell it, but it’s unusual that I have anything but my own offputting personality to blame my solitude on.

I complain about the restrictions that have been enforced as a result of covid-19, but realistically, I’ve been training for this my whole life. A legitimate reason to be antisocial, lazy and binge eat? This is my olympics.

Perversely, it’s at this moment in history; while I’m governmentally decreed to live in a way that has previously been decreed “unhealthy” (by the government) that I have been most functional and creative. It’s now, when I have no way of implementing them that I have come up with my best ideas and the most viable business plans. This could be as a result of my extra time, it could be because I haven’t been able to get my refill of the personality dampening anti-depressants and anti-anxiety pills that I’ve taken since my adolescent years. It could be because I don’t have the stress of dealing with the doctors and bosses and irritating colleagues I usually have to. I don’t know what the reason is, but I know I’m not going to squander it.

Lockdown is inconvenient. It’s annoying. However in this age of being too busy to hear your brain or speak to your friends or finish the manuscript you started in your youth or read your kids a story, maybe we need to take the blessing of time where we can. Enjoy these weeks of guilt free wotsit eating and slovenliness. Before long (godwilling) we’ll be back to early morning commutes, spending our days with people we need a wage to endure, packed trains and having to shake the sweaty hands of strangers rather than risk seeming rude.

We have our health, time for our loved ones and a legitimate reason to binge eat and day drink should we so choose (and I do).